With Regards To The Golf Scramble

Greetings to the survivors and to the family and friends of those less fortunate,

I would first like to express my deep condolences to anyone who may have lost a friend or family member during last nights “Ramblin’, Scramblin’ Golf Tournament to Find a Cure for Early Onset Dementia.” I would also like to remind everyone that the tournament was a charitable event to benefit a good cause and any legal action you may be planning would ultimately be hurting the financial status of a non-profit organization and would likely be seen by your peers as unseemly. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to explain a couple of the decisions made in regards to the tournament which may have contributed to the unfortunate ending.

Probably the first thing that many of you and many members of the media will question was the widespread use of bear traps throughout the course. Originally, the bear traps had been purchased to use around the perimeter of the course because there is a growing bear population surrounding ‘Dinky Dave’s Full Size Par 3 Golf Course’ and we were planning to grill burgers. The decision to move many of the bear traps onto the course was made when event organizers realized that a par 3 course may not be a challenge to some of the more gifted participants, and since we were giving out $100 for all hole-in-ones, we decided the course needed some extra challenges.

Now that you understand our logic for moving the bear traps onto the course you can surely understand how so many bears were able to wander past the original perimeter we setup and onto the course. I think it is fairly clear at this point that our heart was in the right place, and the bears weren’t exactly our fault.

It was at this point during my explanation to police last night, where the ‘investigator’ grew more and more interested in the amount of burn victims. Was it a good idea to use the grill matches and lighter fluid to try and create a rudimentary, homemade napalm to combat the invading bears? Yes, I think it was a noble and brave idea, with a high score for spontaneous ingenuity. Was it executed poorly? I think we can all agree there was probably room for improvement.

I would like to thank Brandon Carroll for having the foresight to run to his truck and grab tranquilizer guns as soon as the bears began to get vicious. We would, however, like to apologize for accidentally tranquilizing any participants; you would be surprised at how difficult it can be to distinguish a man from a bear when so many things and creatures are on fire.

I don’t think the entire night can be seen in a negative light though, I thought it was inspirational to watch the dedication displayed by 7 year old Luke Hall as he bogeyed the sixth hole after the bear trap in the sand trap (that was a double trap, we had a chuckle when we set that one up) caught his leg. Luke was able to make it all the way to the 8th hole before he passed out from the pain. I think the time spent extinguishing each other and tranquilizing bears together brought us closer as a community. I think we all also got a valuable lesson when we learned that the best thing to do when a bear attacks is not, in fact, to play dead as bears will then playfully toss your carcass against a tree (I’m not blaming Rick Boggs specifically for giving everyone that advice, but for legal reasons I want it be clear, that instruction did not come from someone affiliated with the event).

On a more somber note, many of you had already left grieving or injured by the time we got around to the raffle and, as the ticket stated, you must be present to win; so unfortunately no one went home with the roller blades. The roller blades will be added to the raffle prize at next year’s event.

I think that concludes my explanation of last nights events, again, I would like to apologize to those still dealing with the aftermath this morning, but please know, we have learned from our mistakes and will take much greater precautions in the future. With that being said, I would like to invite everyone to next month’s “Swervin’, Curvin’, 5K through Downtown and Across the Interstate to Benefit the Alcoa High School Shot Put and Javelin Throwers.”

Sincerely,

Ed Langrove
Event Organizer, Home Owners Association President, Real Estate Agent