A Statement Regarding Last Weekend’s Incident At The Applebee’s

You may ask me to leave your Applebee’s, but I will not tolerate being treated like an animal. I have rights. The Bill of Rights, ever read it? Maybe if you had, you could tell me what it says. Then we’d be able to have a conversation about which of my rights you’re violating. Probably a lot of them.

I’m a reasonable man. I’m willing to apologize for my mistakes and I expect the same from you. I should have told someone about the situation I left in the men’s restroom. I didn’t because I was burdened by shame and embarrassment. Perhaps society, and not me, is to blame for that. I should not have held my breath and waited just inside the bathroom door for someone else to come in. My plan was to wait for an innocent person to enter, then I would burst out of the door and report the ‘situation’ in the men’s room to an employee, thus framing this innocent person for my mess. That was an immoral plan created in haste.

Obviously, the plan did not account for the possibility that the next person to come into the restroom would be your assistant manager. However, she did not need to come flying out of the bathroom mere seconds after entering, shouting to the entire place, in front of my wife and kids, that “the guy at table three did an absolute splatter blast in the bathroom.”