The wheels of change have been greased and the floor of mutiny has been polished.

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The wheels of revolution are in motion within this roller rink/fun center and you are powerless to stop them. In Fun Zone terms, the children here are standing at the Pop-A-Shot machine of truth, they have inserted the quarter of knowledge, the wall of naivety has lifted, and the basketballs of change are already rushing down the decline. These skaters realize that their obedience is the only thing that gives you eminence over them. Your printed rules have no power unless we the people give them power. …


Humor

I don’t even remember anymore

Image by the author

We’ve been mad for so long that frankly, I’ve forgotten why we even started fighting in the first place. We’ve been silent-treatmenting and cold-shouldering each other for years and I don’t even remember the inciting event; I just know we’re mad at each other and that seems silly to me.

It doesn’t seem possible that all this fighting has been because I called your wife by your ex’s name ONE TIME. Because, other than the name slip up, my best man speech was pretty good I thought.

Surely it’s not the dog thing. I went around with you ALL DAY…


Photo by on

Circumcisions had been illegal for months now. Henry knew the risk he was running by continuing to remove foreskins in secret but he felt it was his calling. He pull the hood up on his sweatshirt, somewhat ironically, to conceal his identity as he slipped down an alley, into the secret facility where he and a few other mohels still worked. No one outside of their circle knew about this operation, ignorance was briss.

But today, he discreetly closed the door to his hidden facility behind him and turned to find no client and no fellow mohels, only Detective Hawkins…


Your favorite character can say a lot about me.

Image by the author

Oscar

If your favorite character is Oscar, that means I pride myself on people seeing me as an intellectual, I think. I guess I do have a large bookshelf full of books, only a couple of which I’ve read, few of which I can recall any details from. And if someone smarter than me is coming over, I almost always turn all of the books around so the spines face the wall. That way, the guest knows I own books, but can’t see one they recognize and ask me probing questions about it. …


Only one man can save a workshop hoping to make toys for every child in the world.

Santa Photo by on Pexels. The Profit is property of CNBC (Fair Use)

Self-made millionaire Marcus Lemonis risks his own money helping small business owners. His professional acumen and valuable insights have saved countless companies around the globe. Today, Marcus is headed to an overworked and struggling warehouse in the North Pole.

Act One

  • It’s June. Marcus arrives at the workshop and is shocked. All of the machines are off and none of the workers are on the floor. Where is everyone? An elf tells Marcus that they can’t work right now because Santa hasn’t collected any orders.
  • Mrs. Claus begs Marcus to help. “He’s sunk everything we have into this workshop. This is our…


Admirable, but unworthy of induction to Cooperstown.

Illustration by the author

I don’t want this to come off as a dismissal of the accomplishments of Danish scientist Niels Bohr. His contributions to the understanding of the atomic structure are certainly admirable. But, is advancing quantum theory and human understanding of atomic particles really enough to enshrine someone in the Baseball Hall of Fame alongside names like Babe Ruth and Willie Mays? In my opinion, no.

And I know what Bohr fans will say, because it’s the same argument they always use: “he has more Nobel Prizes than anyone else in the hall of fame.” I’m not saying his 1922 Nobel Prize…


Lately, all of the messages I have been receiving have been extremely toxic. In the messages I have read, many of you are focusing on the mistakes we made during our gender reveal, but no one is focusing on the natural and humanitarian atrocities that we DIDN’T commit.

For instance, tons of people have whined about the immense property damage from our pink powder-packed explosive. …


Just listen for a second, and let me explain.

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Hey everyone! Kelly and I wanted to thank all of you again for coming to our gender reveal party on Saturday. I thought I’d respond to some questions we’re getting here instead of replying to each of your messages separately.

First, the grenade.

The grenade was never intended to be used as a weapon. It was simply a prop. Kelly and I are both huge civil war buffs. Recently, we found out I had a grandfather who actually died at Antietam (during a reenactment)! We wanted to make this announcement very “us.” The plan was for me to pull the…


You may ask me to leave your Applebee’s, but I will not tolerate being treated like an animal. I have rights. The Bill of Rights, ever read it? Maybe if you had, you could tell me what it says. Then we’d be able to have a conversation about which of my rights you’re violating. Probably a lot of them.

I’m a reasonable man. I’m willing to apologize for my mistakes and I expect the same from you. I should have told someone about the situation I left in the men’s restroom. I didn’t because I was burdened by shame and…

Tyler Gooch

I'm a free thinker but it's a penny for my thoughts. Comedian and writer.

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